Blast from the Past: Fireside Chat!

Way back in the day, we did In Character interviews. This was the last, and greatest of them. The Vox, Cisco Kid, and Crimson Lightening in a room. This was how the Kyle Bacon character came to be. Enjoy.


(Kyle Bacon sits at his desk in the middle of a VWF Conference Room, at the empty VWF Arena. Cisco Kid, Crimson Lightening and The Vox are all sitting at the opposite end of the table, looking at each other…)





Cisco: who’s that? I thought we were doing an
interview with the Intercontinental champion!

Bacon: that’s the Vox

Cisco: who? I thought Crimson was the IC champion!

Vox: why don’t i get a capitol ‘T’?

Bacon: he lost it to Vox

Vox: I’m the IC champion? And where’s my ‘T’?

Cisco: i don’t know who you are, he’s the IC champion!

Crimson: i am?

Bacon: no, Vox is!

Vox: i am?

Cisco: no!

Crimson: wait… who am i again?

Bacon: Ah jeeze.

Vox: Bless you.

Cisco: Bless who?

Crimson: Me? I know I’m blessed, DOWNSTAIRS!

Cisco: Downstairs?

Vox: Your basement? You have a holy basement?

Crimson: No… I meant…

Cisco: Oh… I’m sorry. I don’t think we’ve met.

Bacon: EVERYONE SHUT UP!

(Crimson, Cisco, and The Vox all look at each other,
then look at Kyle Bacon.)

Bacon: That’s better. This interview is for the three
of you to sit down and discuss yourselves, your
careers, and your goals. We are NOT talking about
basements.

Crimson: Why? Your basement a little damp, Bacon?

(Crimson, Cisco and The Vox all laugh and high five
each other as Bacon shakes his head and prepares his
first question…)

Bacon: Ok… ok… Let’s get started here. All three
of you have been with The VWF for many years now, and
worked your way up through the ranks of the Hardcore
and Cruiserweight Divisions to get where you are
today. What is your favorite memory of The VWF to
date, spanning your careers?

Vox: Probably that time i was tag team AND IC champ at
the same time with my brother Iman.

Cisco: I’m sorry; you’re trying to say this guy was
tag champ as well? Is this a joke?

Bacon: why don’t we just stick to the questions Cisco?

Crimson: i made a pretty good tag team with Vox’s mom.
Tagged her ass ALL NIGHT LONG!

Cisco: he has a mom as well? This… Vox just appears
from nowhere and becomes a former tag champ, an IC
champ, AND he has a mom?

Bacon: … Vox, you were saying?

(Vox is staring out of the window at a passing truck
with a giant pair of boobs on the side and the VWF
logo at the side of it.)

Bacon: VOX!

Vox: WHA? Sorry, what?

Bacon: you favorite memory?

Vox: when i was thirteen and my mom bought me a drum
stick.

Bacon: *sigh* Crimson, what about you… or should I
just skip you over.

Crimson: MY favorite memory? Hmmm… well. It was a
mild June evening, and there was a crowd already brewing since
about eight in the morning. I had gone down to the local bars before my
big date, and had a few more than I should have, let me tell you. After
paying my tab and waltzing my sexy ass back, I came into my big moment.
As the two of us circle each other, we locked eyes and both of us knew
that this was a moment. A moment that neither of us word fast forget,
or want to. We grappled into each other’s arms, and swayed this way
and that, each of us attempting to get on top of the other. Before I knew
it, they had locked their legs around my waist, tightening the grip
harder and harder. I thrust for all I was worth, and before I knew it, I
had turned the situation around full circle, pinning them down to the
ground with my heaving…

Bacon: What match was this?

Crimson: Match? I thought we were talking about our first time with
Maxine?!

Bacon: Oh God….

Crimson: That’s what SHE said!

Bacon: Why? Why is this happening?

Crimson: Odd… she said that too.

Bacon: I can’t believe I got into this. This is by
far the single most disturbing time I’ve ever spent with three men.

Crimson: Weird… She said that too. Bacon, were you
there? You sly devil…

Cisco: Dare Devil? He’s here? Where? I KNOW HIM!

Crimson: Know who?

Vox: Me? Who are we really but grains in the sand,
leaves in the wind,
pubes on the bush…

Bacon: WHAT?

Crimson: I think he called you a pube.

Bacon: Cisco. You’re the VWF Champion. You MUST have
a better
response than this…

Cisco: well, the cisco KID would like to answer you, and I am sure there are quite a few out there but the last time around in the VWF I was drunk off my ass on tequila the whole time. Hell I was more worried about how many kids I was going to conceive that night that I can’t remember most of the matches. Hey Bacon, what was your mom’s name? The cisco KID has been known to
go hoggin’ once or twice while he was drinking the agave juice.

Bacon: moving on. now all three of you have held a
number of titles in your VWF careers to date. if you
had to pick-

Crimson: sweetest ass 2001!!! oh yeah!

Bacon: -had to pick one TITLE! that you feel you feel
particularly fond of from the ones you’ve held in the
past, which would it be?

Cisco: funny Crimson I would of thought that it was
your “World Pizza #$%^er” title. As for as the cisco
KID, I’d have to say that believe it or not it was my
first run as the Cruiserweight Champion. It was when
the cisco KID said f*#* you world I am here to stay.

Vox: wait a minute, you held a title?

Cisco: and you are the IC Champ right now, hmph?

Bacon: can we not get into that, AGAIN! Vox, what
title were you most fond of?

Cisco: you know what? now that I look at you, you
remind me of a man

Vox: what man?

Cisco: the man with power

Crimson: what power?

Cisco: the power of who do

Vox: who do?

Cisco: you do

Vox: what?

Cisco: you remind me of a man

Vox: what man?

Cisco: the man with power

Bacon: oh to hell!! Vox, which title is it?

Vox: well i was very fond of the dark championship,
before my brother melted the damn thing. but I’d have
to this baby right here.

(Vox pats the intercontinental title on the table at
the side of him)

Crimson: have you cleaned that belt since you won it?

Vox: well i… why?

Crimson: no reason.

(Cisco and Bacon snigger to themselves)

Crimson: You know what my favorite was?

Bacon: What?

Crimson: Maxine Baibe.

Bacon: SHE’S NOT A TITLE!

Crimson: Oh… title! I thought you said ti…

Bacon: I KNOW!

Cisco: wait a minute than why did she say she was
going to wrap her legs around my waist and show me
what it feels like to be a true champion?

Bacon: She didn’t really say that!

Cisco: who?

Bacon: Maxine Baibe!

Cisco: ah she makes a fine Japanese Champion?

Crimson: fitting since she has an endless supply of
sushi .

(Cisco and Bacon shudder)

Vox: wait a minute, you know she’s the Japanese Champ
which was the other day, and you don’t know who I am?

Cisco: Sorry but I am drawing a blank on your name…

Crimson: I am drawing a picture of my Crimson eating
sushi, see

Bacon: For the love of Jesus… I give up…. This is Fireside Chat with Kyle Bacon, signing off…

Crimson: I thought there was gonna be bitches here? Where’s Smart A$$?

(The TV goes black.)